If you would rather watch the video version of this article, then click here.
For the longest time, I was pretty worked up over Australia. I simply could not handle the fact that such a terrible place actually existed. I was mad because somehow and someway, a place existed on planet Earth where all of the people sounded like they were suffering from Aphasia, lived amongst animals you would only otherwise see watching In The Night Garden, and had an all-around level of obnoxiousness rivaled only by the likes of myself and those annoying people who try to hand you flyers in the street. But saying that, even those fools cannot compete with Australia when it comes to being obnoxious.
Now, if you haven’t read my previous piece on Australia, then I strongly recommend watching this video I made before continuing.
As you can make out from that video, I was certainly pretty mad over the existence of Australia. I mean, just how could a nation exist that was built from convicts that no one else wanted, and that also managed to lose a war to a bunch of dumb birds?
I was so mad over Australia being a real place that I even made a bunch of horrible Tweets:
As a public service, I will personally burn Australia to the ground.
— ragreynolds (@ragreynolds) July 20, 2014
If Australia wins Eurovision, I will drown one puppy and burn one baby for every point they win by. #Eurovision
— ragreynolds (@ragreynolds) May 14, 2016
Let's send Australia to space
— ragreynolds (@ragreynolds) June 26, 2016
And then without warning, 2017 became one of the greatest years of my life when I came across some guy on Twitter claiming that Australia doesn’t exist. This was a theory that I had never even considered prior to that moment. I was so taken aback by this that I had to spend a couple of days pondering over the idea before I actually made any sort of public statement regarding it. So a couple of days later I posted to Twitter.
Just found out that Australia isn't actually a real place. Can't believe I was mad about that place for so long. It all makes sense now.
— ragreynolds (@ragreynolds) January 3, 2017
Yes, much like a Holocaust denier, or a fat person who is only fat due to genetics denier, I am an Australia denier.
The theory regarding Australia that I lean towards most is one that I myself came up with. The theory goes like this:
The founder of New Zealand hated how his people sounded when they spoke. He realised that the rest of the world probably would too, and since they were entering into an age where it was quite obvious that the entire world would be communicating via audio and video and not just written word, it was necessary to make their country known as anything other than the worst received country known to man. So he got his council together and they put together a plan. They were going to take all of the worst parts of their culture, make it fifty times worse, force it into the minds of their one hundred citizens with the lowest IQs, and then put those people into an abandoned city together with cameras on them 24/7.
New Zealand had essentially set out to create a faux reality show in order to fool the world into thinking that there was a place worse than their homeland. But in the end it turned into something bigger than they could ever have imagined.
The council got obsessed with their little project, and as the technology of the world was rapidly developing, they decided it might be a good idea to start introducing strange new animals that you would normally only see watching strange TV shows. So they created the robotic creature that we know today as a kangaroo.
If you need proof that kangaroos are robots, then just watch this video:
In that video we are shown robots that these people are claiming mimic kangaroos, when in reality this technology is what is actually already inside kangaroos. From what I can make out from everything I’ve seen regarding this, it seems like the New Zealand government have realised that people such as myself are onto them, and that they want to start making people think that they are putting out robotic kangaroos into the wild to live among the ‘real’ kangaroos, so that once someone who knows what’s going on actually cuts open one of the original kangaroos, the New Zealand government can claim that the metal skeleton is because it was one of the new robotic kangaroos that they had put out recently. It’s a smart move on their part, and if they do manage to get the message out there to the rest of the world that they are creating robotic kangaroos inspired by real kangaroos, then all hope may be lost for ever outing to the public just what the New Zealand government has done.
Now you may be wondering, “If Australia isn’t real, then how come people I know say that they have been there?”. Well you see, there’s a perfectly simple explanation for this, in fact, there are three explanations, each one depending on what your situation actually is.
The first explanation is regarding the people who claim to be Australians. You see, the government of New Zealand has brainwashed these people into thinking that they are living in this false nation. When they were ingraining the worst parts of their culture into the minds of the first one hundred people, they also brainwashed them into thinking that the place they dumped them wasn’t just an abandoned city, but a whole new country for them to call their own.
The second explanation is regarding people who claim to visit Australia. To keep it as simple as possible, lets just say that some funky stuff happens on the flight over there. These people think that they are arriving in Australia, but actually they spend the entire trip in the comfort of their seat on the plane, essentially hallucinating the entire experience.
The third and final explanation is regarding people who claim to have ‘moved’ to Australia. These people have an experience much like those who just visit Australia, with the key difference being that these people never leave that plane again. Instead, the government of New Zealand create robots in their likeness who are then shipped off to live in the city with all of the brainwashed ‘Aussies’.
Now here is some more evidence that Australia doesn’t exist, as pointed out by a map of the world:
Look at this world map. Seems like a normal world map right? Well look closer, the right circle, at the bottom right. Now what’s that? No Australia.
Over at Debate.org, a poll shows that people are beginning to wake up and realise the truth that there is no Australia.
A compelling argument is made here by user going by the name of ‘MassiveDump’. He argues:
“A country that spans an entire continent? Yeah, right. And I have a soul. Everyone the seven continents are North America, South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, Antarctica, and Atlantis. There’s never eight of anything. C’mon. Snow White and the Eight Continents? I don’t recall watching THAT movie with Kirsten Stewart. The sooner we face reality, the sooner we can move on from the Australia Delusion.”
Bill Nye the science guy even denounced the existence of Australia once. He said:
“Say to the grownups, if you want to accept Australia and live in your world, in your world that’s completely inconsistent with everything we observe in the universe, that’s fine, but don’t make your kids do it because we need them. We need geographically literate voters and taxpayers for the future. We need people that can—we need engineers that can build stuff, solve problems. Please, don’t teach your kids Australianism.”
Hopefully by now I have convinced you that Australia is nothing more than a work of fiction. A dreadful work of fiction. Australia is just an elaborate scheme cooked up by the government of New Zealand, intended to protect their self-esteem and prevent them from being labelled as the worst country on Earth.
But just think. All of this could have been avoided if the founder of New Zealand had just been made aware of Brazil.
You’re welcome, society.